So on this day, the 29th of November 2016, I have come to a point of pure bliss.
I can't explain the feeling of electricity. the buzz. the energy. the aura of something in the works.
I have reflected on what it means to me to hit 25; in a new country, single, with a job I never thought I'd be qualified to do, surrounded by people I didn't even know a few weeks ago, living in a lodge just a stones throw away from two bordering countries.
And here I am. Possibly the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. This happiness comes from an acceptance of things I cannot change and a drive to alter the things that I can. I am more rooted in my beliefs of compassion. More trusting in my ability to love whole heartedly. More forgiving towards my inner being. and more willing to let change into my life with open arms.
I spent last night sleepless. I dreamt...and I have a vague feeling I know who about, but I awoke with no real recollections.
I was running late of course. Drenched in sweat from my rocky dreams.
After a quick shower and a fluff of my hair, I ran out my door to find Elena--my coworker and fellow lodge resident--holding a gift and card for me.
"Happy Birthday Dear Dalyce" she said in her endearing Russian accent.
I gave her a hug--this was the first one I'd had in a while I realized...--and opened the chickpea chocolate sweets. AMAZING!
Pat my Landlord wished me Happy Birthday with a big smile on his face and then Elena and I were off to the races to take our routine walk to school.
Everything looked beautiful today. the sun glowed orange between the spaces of the green leaves. The low hanging mountain fog cast a white twinkle in the distance.
Everyone looked happier. Or was I delirious?
School was amazing. I was greeted by my coworkers with 'Happy Birthdays' gifts of incense and friendly faces.
I taught my first two classes.
Lots of laughter. Lots of Thai words. Sporadic English explanations. Board Games. Talks of Sports.
Then my break. Hugh and I escaped to the Park and had a quiet moment on our spot at the benches. I blabbered on about receiving my Birthday emails, enlightenment, where I feel I belong, returning to Belfast, excitement for my upcoming weekend trip back to Pai....etc.
He listened. What a trooper.
We headed back in for our next round of classes.
Three in a row. The kids had me rolling. I love laughing with them because the room erupts. At one point a cookie was launched across the room and hit me in the stomach. I tried to come off as stern...but it was impossible. We all laughed some more.
A mini dance party broke out amidst the sports lesson game we were playing. I couldn't resist. I grinned from ear to ear.
"Teacher!! You like?" said an eager student as he gyrated his way out of the classroom.
I squealed with laughter. What a circus.
I thought when I was younger that by 25 I would have my own kids. I would be working a 9-5 and that I would be changing the world.
well I have over 400 kids now. I work 7am-4:30pm, and I feel like I have changed MY world. Not too shabby.
I have learned that dreaming is what I do. Making those dreams a reality is even better.
Being unapologetically me is more than okay. It's actually really lovely.
Loving others--even those I don't know that well--has made my heart happy. I will continue to do so.
My value and worth is not in the hands of others.
I am stronger than the pains of my past. And invincible BECAUSE of them.
My Veganism is my ethos. I wake up yearning for this. It is my beacon. It is the only thing in this world that makes sense to me. I am beyond okay with this. I no longer have the time for those who are uncomfortable by this.
I no longer have the time for chasing your love. I will work for it and I will fight to retain it...but I will not chase your approval. Your validations. Your idea of "unconditional". As soon as I feel the inequality of what you think is love; I will re-evaluate what I'm doing.
I feel like a warrior because of this last revelation.
No longer will I apologize for my passions.
Where my soul wants to go; I will listen. I will follow.
And I will know when to ask for help. And to listen to the advice of others.
I won't always take it though.
And on this day, in this hour, at this very moment; I feel full.
I feel blessed from the lives I've been in orbit with. I feel blessed for the journey I have walked on. And I feel eager for the lessons around the next bend.
Of all the lives I've ever lived; this is by far my favorite. So I must be doing SOMETHING right.
Goodnight from my spot in Mae Sai and sweet dreams wherever your head next rests,