As I think about how I want to write this post, I can't help but be frustrated at my body. This vessel that I've known for 25 years has become a prison.
I spent the day with female coworkers, at our local coffee shop and then laying by a neighborhood pool. We chatted about every topic under the sun; gender, politics, love, loss, travel, growth, festivals...you name it.
I missed female bonding time.
I don't know if it was from lack of food or from the abnormally hot temperatures today, but when I got home I could feel my blood sugar dropping.
I reheated some leftovers from the night before.
I retreated into my room preparing to eat my food and catch up on some news programs...but then it hit me.
Things stopped making sense. My head ached. Colorful kaleidoscope patterns blocked my vision. I felt my conscious self retreat deeper and deeper into my body and the "real world" soared further away from me in the distance. Like a pinhole of light that I was struggling to keep hold of.
After thrashing about and beating myself in the head, yanking tufts of my hair, I ended up in the bathroom.
Perhaps my subconscious self was calling for help. Knew that I wouldn't make THIS one out unscathed. I turned on the shower.
"water will wake me up. break me from this darkness"
The next thing I know I had ripped the pipe in my shower clean off the wall and a bullet force of water sprayed in my torso. The floor began to flood. I was fully clothed, drowning on my bathroom floor. A foot of water pooled around me.
"this isn't how I die." I told myself defiantly.
I saw a bright light. And then another. A calm came over me. I felt as though I had solved the mysteries of the universe. In that moment of darkness I saw circles and infinity symbols.
Pat heard the thrashing.
"Dalyce!? You okay?" he said.
found in a pool in my bathroom. He turned off the water and pulled me out into the courtyard.
I screamed. I cried.
"I've found the answer, but no one will believe me!" I remember screaming this. I screamed for Hugh. I felt I had to tell him what I saw in the darkness. My mind was trapped in my body. I knew I sounded crazy. I knew Pat was scared. I knew I was embarrassed. But my body would not listen.
Soaking wet, a puddle of water collecting around me on the cement.
"Sugar! Pat! Sugar Low! Please Help!" I cried.
He ran and got my juice and test kit. My room was flooded.
I saw tears in his eyes. Phone calls were made.
I sat in a heap gulping juice and soda as if my very existence depended on it.
'Dalyce for FUCKS sake!' I scolded myself internally. 'You really fucked up this time'.
I closed my eyes and leaned against the side of my bungalow.
Slowly, I felt myself grasping the reality of the white light on the horizon. My limbs returned to me. My body shaking violently, I began to see the world around me with clearer eyes.
Pat told me to stay there.
He had called my agent and Hugh.
I'm happy he waited to see if I was okay to call the ambulance. I couldn't handle that I don't think.
When I felt my feet rooted firmly on this planet, I asked him what happened. I was soaking wet, my hair mangled and drenched. He told me he heard screaming and he thought I was possessed by the devil. He had never seen anything like that. And to be honest, I had never experienced anything that violent before. It felt like my own body had assaulted my senses.
It's Midnight now and I am comfortably back in my room, swaddled in dry clothes and cringing at the scene I must have made in my low state.
Diabetes has never scared me, but tonight was a truly enlightening experience. I am shaken. Wildly frustrated. and unsure of what 'god's' plan for giving me this disease was. Tonight I saw death. That wasn't the frightening bit. It was the trapped in my body fighting to escape that has shaken my core.
I write this out as a reflection. A step in healing or understanding. Trauma takes the shape of many experiences and I'm sure tonight will be one for the memories.
Thank you for listening, for reading. I'd like to sit with these reflections for a little while before I return to post anything else. I hope you'll understand.
To my friends, to my family, to the ones I carry in my heart, I love you.